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Jun. 9th, 2014 09:59 pmSo spent 4 and half days in the hospital - got officially diagnosed with congestive heart failure although everyone seemed to think that was kind of a duh diagnosis it wasn't for me and I have been grieving it on and off since.....rage sadness plus feeling like I want to just give up.
Broke again so of course my body wants food it can't have but at least hubby had some hours so there may be a paycheck on Friday.
On the good news front no one in the hospital could believe that I was running around with no oxygen supplement so oxygen has come back home to live...it makes things more manageable. Husband is working two long shifts in a row, 15 and half over last night and 14 and half tonight...we NEED the money in the worst way but it is hard in the frame of mind I am in to have him not here. My daughter (I think I will call her Tweety for a while) hates it when I appear sad or actually cry and with her stress and panic attacks hating something means melt downs. I am craving watermelon and at least that will be an option on Friday or Saturday maybe.
The house is a mess, I wish I had the get up and go to clean it..I mean really I was not the best housekeeper ever but it is terrifying to me to have it feel out of control, I am constantly afraid that some service provider is going to say not safe and make me leave and that would break me.
I have these ideas in my head but I can hardly find energy to make my fingers type let alone marshall a project. Tweety has informed me that she wishes to attend summer school....which I am 150% infavor of but the stupid school district doesn't seem to actually want students since they are not returning phone calls and their website is NOT useful.
I am supposed to have an AHRMS worker to help with this but my last one had to go on medical leave and the agency doesn't seem to care to provide services or even call me to arrange for a new one. Nor have they informed my PCA or me that the county has increased my PCA approved hours...its like the county wants to give them money but they don't want it....if I were still working, I would say its a terrible way to run a business.
Tweety also wants to go back to regular school for next year, which is again a great step but of course its after enrollment deadlines and I have no assurance or faith that she will attend having seen nothing from her that indicates effort. I want to trust her word but I am just too damn tired of being discouraged. She also informs me she hates this apartment and wishes we would move. I admit I dream of an apartment where I could get in and out of the kitchen to get a drink or something so off to look and actual accessible housing. Not holding my breath.
sigh discouraging day. hope tomorrow is better.
Broke again so of course my body wants food it can't have but at least hubby had some hours so there may be a paycheck on Friday.
On the good news front no one in the hospital could believe that I was running around with no oxygen supplement so oxygen has come back home to live...it makes things more manageable. Husband is working two long shifts in a row, 15 and half over last night and 14 and half tonight...we NEED the money in the worst way but it is hard in the frame of mind I am in to have him not here. My daughter (I think I will call her Tweety for a while) hates it when I appear sad or actually cry and with her stress and panic attacks hating something means melt downs. I am craving watermelon and at least that will be an option on Friday or Saturday maybe.
The house is a mess, I wish I had the get up and go to clean it..I mean really I was not the best housekeeper ever but it is terrifying to me to have it feel out of control, I am constantly afraid that some service provider is going to say not safe and make me leave and that would break me.
I have these ideas in my head but I can hardly find energy to make my fingers type let alone marshall a project. Tweety has informed me that she wishes to attend summer school....which I am 150% infavor of but the stupid school district doesn't seem to actually want students since they are not returning phone calls and their website is NOT useful.
I am supposed to have an AHRMS worker to help with this but my last one had to go on medical leave and the agency doesn't seem to care to provide services or even call me to arrange for a new one. Nor have they informed my PCA or me that the county has increased my PCA approved hours...its like the county wants to give them money but they don't want it....if I were still working, I would say its a terrible way to run a business.
Tweety also wants to go back to regular school for next year, which is again a great step but of course its after enrollment deadlines and I have no assurance or faith that she will attend having seen nothing from her that indicates effort. I want to trust her word but I am just too damn tired of being discouraged. She also informs me she hates this apartment and wishes we would move. I admit I dream of an apartment where I could get in and out of the kitchen to get a drink or something so off to look and actual accessible housing. Not holding my breath.
sigh discouraging day. hope tomorrow is better.
